Letter from a Personal Trainer

Csongor Veres

Dear Laura,

I heard from your brother that you are lonely, that you don’t do much, and this has to change.

I am a personal trainer looking for a trainee! I can get you in shape in 3 months. Just you wait! There will be dozens of fine gentleman callers knocking on your front door day and night! Hurry, Laura, you don’t have much time. It’s only 40 dollars for the plan! It could be described as: “The long-delayed but always expected something that we live for.”

If I were you I’d do it, Laura! Currently you’re an ugly caterpillar. I’m sorry to put it so bluntly, but this is for your good. Look at what you could be. I went through a big transformation myself. Sign up, Laura, do it! Once again, it’s “The long-delayed but always expected something that we live for.” Be different, Laura! You know what they say. “I know so well what becomes of unmarried women who aren’t prepared to occupy a position. I’ve seen such pitiful cases in the South—barely tolerated spinsters living upon the grudging patronage of sister’s husband or brother’s wife!—stuck away in some little mousetrap of a room—encouraged by one in-law to visit another—little birdlike women without any nest—eating the crust of humility all their life!” Do you really want to be like this? I’m sure you will think about this again again and again for days on end, so just stand up for yourself and apply. It’s not hard: just 5 training sessions a week. It is nothing; believe in yourself, you can do it! First you just have to mail us 40 dollars, like I stated earlier. And just like that—poof—the next week you’ll be in my gymnasium training very hard. And a side note. Last week a bird told me that there were writing machines on the way, set to arrive next Tuesday for your brother’s writing endeavors. He can be happy too! Like I said, if I were you I’d hop on this plan and just train really hard.

I must bring this letter to an end because my pet fish Larry is drowning, so I’ll see you next week


John Smith