Transparent Minds, Transparent Dreams

Zeynep Cicimen

Sometimes it sounds impossible to see the other side; you just feel what happens there.You trust these feelings and the ideas come into your mind. This makes you feel like you are stuck in the middle of everything: it’s the only way to have a point of view and judge. Yes, our brains need to judge; we have to find a point of view, a mechanism  we can hide behind to come through with all the circumstances offered by “life.” We all build walls in our minds. I build a wall that separates me from my-real-self; my pure feelings, my emotions from my mind. You build a wall with the intention of running away from other people’s decisions, to have the right to say a couple of phrases about your own lifestyle, but you still can’t find your dreams in your mind, wherever you put them before, because “a wall” exists there. You have already forgotten how to find the “real you” in yourself while developing a solid system, “a wall,” to protect yourself; to prove your existence in the world, to show them you leave a trace behind you while passing through changes. Even if that wall were transparent, you wouldn’t have been capable of observing every detail, of hearing every single voice coming from your heart, from your desires. At this point, it’s not an ordinary wall anymore. It is time to say “the wall” right now.

The Wall”

Which is between you and your-other-self.

Non-transparent, transparent, soft, solid, judgy, isolating, limiting.

Which retains its own existence despite every situation. It has the strange potential to let you into the arms of loneliness while making you feel safe and protected.

You have already constructed “the wall” between yourself and your emotions.

Inner Wall”

You don’t have the freedom of choosing what to feel; you start to feel whatever you should. Now, there is quite a long distance between your mind and your dreams. As if that were not enough, you can’t see any signboards showing you how many kilometers are left to arrive to yourself, to reach your dreams; to learn where they hide at least. At that point, you have nothing to put into words and no right to confess. All the opinions, the opportunities, the points of view, the mechanisms which protected you (or instead, you pretended they did) and every single confession are blocked. The “Inner Wall” is exactly like “the other side of the Moon.” You can’t see “a part of yourself”; maybe your perceptions aren’t sufficient, they are not designed for defining that unusual thing which is standing there without impairing your integrity (actually it is but you can’t perceive it). Here is the other option: it is your choice whether you are able to see it or not. You reject the other side instinctively: this is your approach of coping with life, of surviving against the conditions, of staying in your own magic. Despite everything, you keep the probability of an “nonexistent wall” in your mind. You had placed it wherever you wanted, which means you are able to demolish it as well. You don’t have to abandon yourself to take a sneak peek at “the other side.” The thing which horrifies you right now is the meaning you attributed to “the wall.” A little whisper of the dilemma: You can’t decide if you want to make a connection with your-other-self or not; but it is obvious that you don’t want to leave this side completely, to break the invisible chain. Perhaps, that’s why “the wall” exists. “The reality you don’t want to get rid of.”

Childhood. Remember all those colourful swings between your first deep breath and the last one. ”The hide-and-seek,” no waiting for the count, catch your-other-self before it hides. Remember that your dreams are transparent, as well as your mind. They suddenly appear in every single minute of your life. The thing you are frightened of getting lost inside is the thing you are frightened of losing the most.

Maybe right now, you and your-other-self are sitting exactly in the same alignment, leaned back against “the wall,” both parts of your heart finding their matches, that voice of a click; they are completing each other softly, “both parts of you” waiting quietly for the end of the storm.