Double Discomfort

Lilla Kassai

I hate being a contradiction myself. I always have this duality between being nice, kind and caring, and being rude, sarcastic and hostile.

As a matter of fact, I really dislike this duality, but I also find it useful sometimes. Being rude, sarcastic and hostile keeps unwanted company away, but at the same time, it scares away those who could have become good friends.

Being kind and caring also has its drawbacks. To be honest, it makes people more vulnerable. Even if this mindset and characteristics can attract lots of people who may become loyal and excellent friends, others can use the kind and caring people for their own benefit, without good intentions.

What is more,  people seem to admire the sarcastic and brutally honest individuals, but meanwhile, they can’t handle them face to face.  Speaking from personal experience, I see that my classmates admire the loud, sarcastic and uninterested complainers, but meanwhile, if I act like them, they become uncomfortable and shut me out of conversations that I would gladly be a part of.

The same thing happens when I try to bring out the real me, the kind and caring one. It must be a surprise for them, but I can be very kind and gentle. I just don’t show this face of mine so often, and when I do, it also makes them and me uncomfortable. For them, I look like someone who contradicts herself: someone who is usually sarcastic and brutally honest trying to act like the complete opposite.